Don't Take It Personally-- WTF?

"Don't Take It Personally" is a phrase that I don't really understand. Bear with me as I pick this oh so common phrase apart. This might just be a bunch of word vomit, but I have to get to the bottom of this!

The main thing that I don't get here, is how can you tell someone not to take what you're saying personally, when literally every word you say to another human is personal. We aren't robots, machines, or aliens. We are homosapiens with feelings, heart strings, hormones... Whatever resonates with you. There is no band-aid to slap on here to cover up our rudeness, and no excuse for saying something hurtful when we don't make the effort to think it through and say something maybe a little nicer.

Maybe it's just me, but I'm of the belief that there is always a nice way to say something. One of my favourite authors Doreen Virtue talks about this extensively in some of her books.

Assertiveness VS. Aggression

Assertiveness is having the confidence to think about what you're going to say, and following through with your thoughts with words of love, kindness and honesty -- without saying hurtful things, being 'brutally honest' or hurting anyone’s feelings. It might be hard, but from my own experience, when you practice this, people will respect you for it.

When I think about this topic in particular, a situation regarding work comes to mind. I once worked a job where they pulled me into a meeting and told me that I was too negative a person. Thinking back on this, I was trying my very hardest to be positive and upbeat, but in reality I just didn't want to be there. The job wasn't a good fit for me, but that comment really really affirmed that and set me off thinking: Why did they have to express those things to me in that way? To add to that, I wasn't even explained to as to why they were unsatisfied with my attitude, or my work. There had been no incidents, I hadn't said anything off colour.. I racked my brain for weeks trying to figure out what I had done wrong.

In short, after that meeting, my morale at work was destroyed. I was not motivated to be better and I did not feel positivity within myself nor from my employers. I felt that they just really didn’t care about me at all as a person, they were just there at work trying to do their job and get out of there. Maybe they were looking for an excuse to get rid of me, who knows. When I expressed this to others, their responses were generally, "You can't take things so personally!" or "They're just doing their jobs". Yes, they were doing their jobs, but I don't feel that they were very effectively because I had taken the incident personally.

Empathy VS. Apathy

To me, an effective leader, or in this case, manager, would have had a little bit of empathy for me, maybe even have asked if everything was alright or how things were going at home. And thinking back, this would have made the world of a difference. I was going through a hard time and I would have felt more comfortable talking about my issues I was experiencing. Maybe they would have felt better about our communications as well. I definitely would have felt more positive at work after that. Open, honest communication is a big thing here, and maybe when we tell people not to take things personally, this is an excuse we are using to avoid that emotional vulnerability.

Expecting someone to not take things to heart, or take them personally, is like attempting to void out unavoidable emotion. And maybe it's just as simple as they didn't really care about me as a person-- but I still felt the repercussions of their words. Regardless of the disclaimer, "Don't take it personally", that person is still feeling those emotions that your words have sparked. Maybe what we're missing as people is a little bit of true care for others. Have we all become so individualist that we are forgetting simple human kindness? Obviously it's a little more complicated than just 'be nice to everyone' or 'if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all', but this is something everyone can work on, myself included.

Taking responsibility for our words is as important as taking responsibility for our actions. We couldn't expect to punch someone and say "don't take it personally" and get away with it. There would be consequences. So, how is it that we can get away with emotionally sucker punching others as long as we slap the "Don't take things so personally" or "Just kidding" band-aid over it?

To be honest, I don't know the answer to this question. But, what I do know, is how we can respond to people who depend on those cover ups.

Instead of getting offended, we can practice empathy and basic human kindness ourselves. Everything another person expresses to you, is a reflection of what's going on internally with them. Who knows what they are going through? We may not have the ability to see or understand their problems, but we do have the ability to be empathetic and turn those harsh things we feel from their words around.

We aren't all master communicators, and this is something I've even been working on lately. It's surprising to me that communicating effectively with others isn't widely discussed! It seems to be something that everyone assumes you will learn, or just know.

Knowing that we have the power to change the tone of our communications, we have the option to;

A) Honour our emotions and step away from this person. You don't have to be surrounded by people who constantly make you feel bad about yourself or who are constantly taking their emotions out on you. This is all about your discretion in relationships, your inner voice and intuition should tell you who is good for you and who is not if you are willing to listen. It is up to you to decide whom you surround yourself with.

B) Try to understand them. Using empathy and knowing yourself that we are not all very good at managing our own emotions, and that often there is a lot more going on under the surface than what we can see. In turn, this can help us to see these things on a different level, and not let them sink into us so deeply. It also helps us to 'let go' of things that others have said to us, or times they have wronged us and expected us to not take it personally.

Bringing things full circle, this all starts with us. In order for us to be better communicators and avoid using or having the "Don't take it personally" cop out used on us, we have to look within and work on what’s going on inside of ourselves. The more we can work on assertiveness and dismiss passive aggression in our communications, the healthier and happier people we will become.

Taking care of ourselves within our relationships is often forgotten, but something we should all work towards bringing back! We all deserve to be around people who love and care for us. And we all deserve to have people in our lives who care about how their words and actions will affect you! This is achievable, easier than we might think.

#assertiveness #personally #emotions #vunerable #understanding #communications #empathy